Shirley
The trials and tribulations of third wheeling
A third wheel is a person who hangs out with a couple on the regular.
Let me begin by first getting something out of my heart: being a third wheel is awkward! There is literally nothing more awkward than being a third wheel whether it happens intentionally or not. Those who think it is fun and keep shoving their man or woman along when they meet up with their single friend clearly have not been on the receiving end. Disclaimer, I acknowledge that there are those out there who actually enjoy being a third wheel, however, I want to believe that most people belong to the group that do not enjoy it. I know that some people are reading this and thinking that I am just a hater or that maybe single people just do not like to hang around happy married or dating couples. Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth of the matter is that: two’s perfect, but three’s a crowd.
Nevertheless, being a third wheel is not all doom and gloom, it has its moments. I’m speaking of course from my own experiences as a third wheel. In fact, if done in the right way being a third wheel is not necessarily the worst thing in the world, it can actually be enjoyable for all parties involved even the third wheel. For example, both parties especially, the couple can benefit from having a third wheel in their midst. A third wheel can bring some much-needed Je ne sais quoi to a couple hangout. They bring in new stories, jokes, perspective, and awesomeness, and this results in better conversations and even better experience for the couple involved. Yes, you are very welcome! However, this is only possible if certain rules of etiquette are adhered to. Rules that help to reduce any awkwardness that often tries to creep in; that alleviate a third wheel experience from uncomfortable to downright fantastic or even to a bearable hangout depending on what one has to work with.
These rules are what I like to call: “third wheel rules of etiquette” and they include:
Always let your friend know in advance that they are going to be a third wheel
I know that I may seem dramatic, but when you fail to let your girlfriend know that you are bringing your man along for what is supposed to be a “girlfriends outing” (with emphasise), this is nothing short of what I like to call a “social ambush”. Further, I know that there are couples out there who love each other so much they will die if they are apart for even a few hours and so they spend every free waking hour together, or there are those couples who believe that together they are a gift that needs to be shared with everyone, however, courtesy and good manners is what keeps this world sane. So please before you bring your spouse or boyfriend to a lunch or dinner or hangout which was specifically meant to be girlfriends hanging, please always let your girlfriend know in advance. I know it seems like something so obvious, like a rule of etiquette that anyone who was not raised by wolves should know by heart, but it is not. The number of times I have made plans to meet a girlfriend specifically for an intimate catch up only to have my plans go up in smoke when their better half also tagged along, are many. I tell you there is nothing quite like waiting to meet up with your friend for an intimate lunch or dinner, so you get there early and wait excitedly only for her to walk in with her better half, and being an introvert who does not necessarily connect with everyone and finds social set up akin to torture except when spending personal time with a close friend or family, you can only imagine my feeling of utter despair about what to talk about with someone you do not know that “way”. Yes, despair and maybe a little outrage. Over the top, I know, but no one likes to be socially ambushed.
Also, please allow me to debunk the societal assumption or myth or whatever you want to call it that holds that: if someone is your friend, they should automatically just love and vibe with your partner (boyfriend/ husband), really how, through osmosis? This is completely delusional, a complete load of bollocks! We do not live in fairy topia or lala land, maybe if we did then the connection between one’s partner and friend would be automatic, but because we live in the real world your friend and your partner may just not connect or vibe that way. It’s not always an easy fit or maybe more time is simply needed to reach a place where friendship can develop, so please don’t force it.
If you are going to bring your partner, at least pay for the meal
If you make your friend a third wheel it is only courteous and even logical that you and your partner also pay for the meal. I know that there is no legal or even social law to that effect, but such a rule should exist for the sake of peace on earth and cordialness. This is payment for the awkward silences as the meal goes by as the third wheel racks their brain for a topic that you partner will also be able to contribute to; for the third wheel having to endure the constant and knowing looks between you and your partner; for the unfunny jokes your partner makes that a third wheel has to pretend they find funny and laugh at. In fact, add some desert while you are at it for adequate compensation.
Don’t hijack the “friendship” hang out
For the love of all that is good and courteous, do not hijack a friend moment and turn it into a romantic moment; yes, do not turn what is supposed to be a meet up between two friends into what looks like a date night between two people who collected a stray along the way! That means a number of things, firstly, couples please do not get lost in each other’s eyes talking about topics that a third wheel cannot contribute to. Yes, do not start gossiping about members of your family (example nosy aunt Prude) that the third party has never met and will probably never meet. Please as a couple be intentional about including the third wheel in the conversation. That basically means that only topics which the third party can contribute to should be discussed at all times strictly. Secondly, please let the third wheel know the dress code in advance. If you decide to dress up more than the usual friend hangout let the third party know so they do not stick out like a sour thumb. Yes, don’t let the third party come dressed down in a t-shirt and jeans and then you both come dressed to the nines in “matching couple outfits” like you walked out of a highly liked Instagram post. Lastly, please keep the PDA (public displays of affection) to a minimum. It’s nice to know that you still got you groove as a couple, but on the other hand it’s just plain weird and uncomfortable, so please save it for two wheeling moments!
Do not fight in front of the third wheel
My late mama thank God for her raised me to never fight in front of people, to always hold it in until the third party was gone. Yes, just because you may be crazy (everyone is in one way or the other) does not mean that you have to announce it to the world. So, I naturally assumed that it was obvious society etiquette that anyone should know, but waaaaaah, the number of times I have found myself caught up in between a couple’s fight (not physical, but verbal and often on ridiculous subjects like which is the fastest route to the restaurant) during what is supposed to be a fun hangout, are many. For this one I feel like I need to get down to the nitty gritty and explain how awkward this is for anyone who has never been on the receiving end.
I have been there and seen it all go down in flames and all I could do was watch helplessly like a person in a cinema secretly wishing I had carried some popcorn and that I had no affiliation to the couple, it is truly a cinematic experience but only if you are the third party and not the couple in conflict. I know that we are in this new age of being “real” and “woke”, but please when you are a couple and you have a third wheel tag along please do not start fighting in front of us, hold it in until you are alone. Let us still believe in fairy-taleish or chick -flickish love and all that good stuff. Of course, we know that couples fight but don’t be so comfortable that you do it in front of the third wheel. What is even most awkward is that during this random fight a third wheel is often forced to be the judge and jury because of being “supposedly” unbiased. However, I want to notify couples out there that a third wheel is actually very biased because they knew one of party first. Plus, the rules of third wheel etiquette demand that a third wheel should always side with their original friend at all times, and then maybe later when it’s only two of you to inform the friend that they were on the wrong.
You cannot bring your man along all the time, please!
It is okay for you to bring your man along sometimes or once in a while because it is a wonderful thing for friends to know each other’s people, but for crying out loud do not bring him all the time. It kills the friendship intimacy as friends cannot be as comfortable as they usually are when a partner does not tag along. With a third element in the mix, you cannot talk about all the things you talk about when it’s just a friend hangout, can’t share the same jokes because he may not understand, cannot reflect on stories from your past together as friends because you do not want to make him to feel left out. It just kills the whole friendship hangout. So coupled people out there it’s okay for you and your partner to hang out with your friend sometimes, but not “all” the time. So please stop carrying your man along like he is a handbag, civility demands it. No friendship demands it!