Shirley
ADULT WOUNDS
The complicated wounds in adulthood
Photo by Ante Gudelj on Unsplash
In the last few years, the biggest catch phrase on everyone’s lips when it comes to self-actualisation, self-awareness or healing has been childhood wounds. These are wounds (emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental etc) inflicted on us as children. We are most vulnerable here and the wounding is often by authority figures in our lives who should have not only known better but done better. Further, these wounds are inflicted both intentionally and unintentionally. Apart from authority figures, childhood wounds are also wounds inflicted on us because of traumatic childhood events like the death of a parent, emotional abuse etc. It is now accepted that childhood wounds have a direct impact on who we are as adults and the lens with which we see life through whether it will be healthy or dysfunctional, and so it is necessary to endeavour to dig and heal so you can be a wholesome human being as an adult. This realisation about childhood wounds has begun a movement and rightly so where people seeking healing are today diving back into their childhoods in order to connect their dysfunctional habits in their adulthood to wounds of origin in their childhood.
However, as much as this has been revolutionary and an impactful step in the journey of healing from the era where people would make callous statements like ‘children are resilient’ as a way to down play the impact of childhood wounds’, I believe that an area which is just as important but that has taken a back sit because of the gusto and enthusiasm with which childhood wounds has been elevated is: adult wounds. This in no way means that childhood wounds should be treated as less important or that adult wounds are more important, or that even both wounds should be in competition of importance or impact. It simply means that we must be alert and intentional about seeking healing for all wounds because they are all impactful and detrimental to our wellbeing. In fact, allow me to say that the most dangerous thing we can do is to leave either wound unattended to because when left to their own devices’ wounds have a way of festering and causing insurmountable damage in our lives, and it will not matter whether we are conscious of the wound or not because if left unattended to as a result of ignorance or apathy we will not be exempt from eating its bitter fruits.
So, what are adult wounds?
These are wounds we experience as adults at a stage where we are not considered as vulnerable as we were as children. Adult wounds like childhood wounds also come in various shapes and sizes, it can be caused by people or by life happening in all its wonderful and wretched glory. It can be caused by a cruel boss, death of a loved one, a broken or the end of a marriage, infidelity, the end or lack of a job, poverty, sickness, a disappointing child or children, infertility, addiction, lack of community, loneliness, aging, lack of success in comparison to peers, failure, family conflict, betrayal, rejection, disappointment when life does not go as planned, divorce, infidelity, unwanted singleness, failing economy, and ironically even success. Basically, everything and anyone that impacts us negatively emotionally, mentally, spiritually, sexually or mentally will wound us whether we are conscious of it or not.
Adult wounds are sneaky because they are treated as being part and parcel of the adult experience, and probably the most dangerous and deceptive thing about adult wounds is we think that when we are adults we are no longer as vulnerable as we were as children. As adults we put on this adult armour as we go about our lives never realising that vulnerability is part of the human experience that we cannot outrun. To be vulnerable is to be human, vulnerability changes and evolves in the manner that is shows up as we get older but it is never far away. Hence, when we are wounded as adult’s whether we recognise or acknowledge our wounds we will bleed, and if we fail to take time to reflect on our wounds and take them to our father in heaven we will begin to bleed in every area of our lives, and not just in the area we were wounded in.
Therefore, we must be alert and vigilant or we will reap the fruit of dysfunctional coping mechanisms that we adopted in order to cope with wounds we refuse to acknowledge and recognise. It took me a long time to realise that simply because I survived the wounding does not mean that I am healed, and that in fact my wound can still be leaking despite surviving. Surviving the wounding and healing the wound are two very different things. Surviving is getting to the other side and does not equate to healing. Example, we can survive a divorce but become the impersonation of bitterness; or our life can fall apart and we can make it out, but lose our ability to dream; or we can lose a friend through betrayal and make it to the other side, but become a lonely recluse unable to trust again; or we can lose a parent and overcome, but then struggle to love because of fear of death; or we can fail and eventually get up, be but riddled with anxiety for the rest of our days; or we can endure an emotionally abusive relationship and eventually leave, but lose our joy, and self-worth and the list goes on and on.
Notably, one of the most evident results of adult wounds at least from my own personal experience or from life watching, is when people ‘lose’ themselves at the altar of surviving. When people become a lesser version of who they were before the wounding or lose their shine or that thing about them that made them special or stand out.
Significantly, when it comes to adult wounds, one of the best examples in the Bible is the story of Naomi in the book of Ruth. Her life highlights many things and one important area is the impact that adult wounds can have on one’s life. The chapter begins with Naomi, her husband and two sons leaving Bethlehem in Judah for Moab because of a draught, and hoping for a better life in a new land. There in Moab Naomi experiences unimaginable heartbreak. Her husband not only passes away, but her two married sons pass on childless. Naomi is so disappointed by the outcome of her life that when she returns to Bethlehem after their death, she tells the people there in Ruth 1: 20-21 to call her bitterness instead of Naomi. Her exact words were:
“Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almightyhas made my life very bitter. 21 I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.”
Naomi was so wounded by her life that she wanted to be called bitterness, and yes her story eventually has a good ending through God’s grace and redemption( Ruth 4, but Ruth 1:20-21 speaks loudly to me because although we may not go around like Naomi asking people to call us bitterness, hopeless, unhappy, miserable, unkind, cruel, unlovable, depressed, despaired, jealous, loveless, angry, unforgiving, faithless, but our own actions and the manner in which we speak and carry ourselves into the world may be speaking very loudly, and the worst part is that we may not even be aware because we prayed and we ‘survived it’ and so we never bothered to count the cost .
So today I am asking you, what did it cost you to survive it? What did you lose intentionally or unintentionally in order to survive? What did you think you had to give up because you survived, and now find yourself struggling to get back?
Are there things you have lost along the way in your journey in adulthood with all its ups and downs? What did it cost you to burry your loved one, to stand alone, to fail or to face betrayal, or for your life to come to a standstill because of sickness? What did you give up and change into that God did not form you into? If you cannot answer these questions on your own, go to God and ask him to show you. Also, ask friends and family to help you self-evaluate and identify if you are still bleeding even after surviving, and if you are, then take it to God our father. He will not only heal you, but He can do you one better and restore everything you lost!
Also, it is important to know that as long as you are human you will be wounded either by life or by people, and in other circumstances you will be the reason why someone is wounded. Yes, we will never reach a point where we will never need to healed again, to need healing is to be human.
Lastly, if you are the cause of someone’s wounding, apologise, and when you are wounded don’t waste time in the denial of your armour, instead quickly run to the feet of our father in heaven and give Him your wounds, and allow Him to heal you. Do not let your wounds grow roots and eventually bear bitter fruits that have the potential to leave generational impact yet you could have prevented it!
Bible verses on healing and restoration
1 Peter 2:24: “‘He Himself bore our sins’ in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; ‘by His wounds you have been healed.’”
Psalm 147:3: “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.”
Psalm 30:2: “Lord my God, I called to You for help, and You healed me.”
Psalm 91:9-14: “If you say, ‘The Lord is my refuge,’ and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges My name.”
Psalm 41:3: “The Lord sustains them on their sickbed and restores them from their bed of illness.”
Jeremiah 17:14: “Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.”
Psalm 51:12
“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.”
Isaiah 61:7
“Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonour they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore, in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.”
Jeremiah 33:6 “Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security.”
Psalm 107:20 says, “He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.”
Jeremiah 30:17 declares, “But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord.”
Psalm 147: 3 states, “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.”
Jeremiah 30:17
“But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord.”
Isaiah 53:5
“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”
Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Joel 2:25-26 – “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust
Psalm 51:10-12 – “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.”
Isaiah 61:1-3 – “To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning.”.
Amos 9:14 – “I will restore the fortunes of my people Israel.”
Hosea 6:1 – “Come, let us return to the Lord; for He has torn us, that He may heal us.”
Lamentations 5:21 – “Restore us to yourself, O Lord, that we may be restored.”
Jeremiah 30:17 – “I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord.”
Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
Job 42:10
And the Lord restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before.
Joel 2:25-26 (ESV)
I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. “You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you. And my people shall never again be put to shame.
Zechariah 9:12
Return to your stronghold, O prisoners of hope; today I declare that I will restore to you double.
Psalm 23:3
He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Amos 9:14
I will restore the fortunes of my people Israel, and they shall rebuild the ruined cities and inhabit them; they shall plant vineyards and drink their wine, and they shall make gardens and eat their fruit.
2 Chronicles 7:14
If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.
Ruth 4:15
He shall be to you a restorer of life and a nourisher of your old age, for your daughter-in-law who loves you, who is more to you than seven sons, has given birth to him.”
Mark 8:25
Then Jesus laid his hands on his eyes again; and he opened his eyes, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.
Joel 2:25
I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you.
Isaiah 58:12
“And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to dwell in.”
Hosea 6:1
“Come, let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.”
Psalm 23:3
“He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.”
Isaiah 40:31
“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles…”
Zephaniah 3:20
“At that time I will bring you in, at the time when I gather you together; for I will make you renowned and praised among all the peoples of the earth, when I restore your fortunes before your eyes…”
Psalm 126:4
“Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negeb!”
Jeremiah 16:15
But ‘As the Lord lives who brought up the people of Israel out of the north country and out of all the countries where he had driven them.’ For I will bring them back to their own land that I gave to their fathers.”
Amos 9:14
“I will restore the fortunes of my people Israel, and they shall rebuild the ruined cities and inhabit them…”
Deuteronomy 30:3
“Then the Lord your God will restore your fortunes and have mercy on you, and he will gather you again from all the peoples where the Lord your God has scattered you.”
Psalm 14:7
“Oh, that salvation for Israel would come out of Zion! When the Lord restores the fortunes of his people, let Jacob rejoice, let Israel be glad.”
Photo by Ante Gudelj on Unsplash