Shirley
Living in the now (the middle/ the mess)
In November of 2020 my brother’s colleague passed away, Nkosinathi Blessing Mbele. We had prayed for his full recovery for most of the year and believed that he would not only recover but come and give his testimony at church. His story of triumph over poverty and adversity was the stuff of legends. In his family he was an anomaly, he had endured so much in his life but he had kept on fighting. As an orphan and first born he had denied himself so much and fought the good fight to get not just himself out of poverty, but also his family, and when he was just about out or in the process of changing the course of his life, tragedy struck. Early in the year he was shot for his phone and as a result lost all feeling of his lower body and after a long fight he eventually passed on. His story broke me and left me feeling so low and discouraged, and had me asking what was the point of it all, if in the end it seems like it was all for nothing and it did not matter. I remember going to God and asking him why? and the Holy Spirit led me to remember all the things I had heard about Nkosinathi from my brother and sister who had the privilege of interacting with him. Indeed, despite the fact that I had never met him, reports from my brother and sister told of his zeal for life and how he never thought any job was too little or insignificant, how he went above and beyond the call of duty in everything he did. I had heard of how he was always willing to deny himself for the greater good of someone else. It was almost like he lived his life knowing that every moment was precious and it deserved his full attention and commitment. He fully lived in the now and gave everything he had for today. In fact, I believe that he had truly mastered the art of being fully present, of living in the now. It made me wonder what would people would say about me, had I truly learned how to live in the now or am I always busy chasing tomorrow and just zombieing through today?
Interestingly enoug, today’s blog is about living in the now, and I must admit truly living in the now for most is not as easy as it sounds because we live in a world where tomorrow which ironically is not promised, is where we are promised that we will find the most happiness or contentment. That we will always have tomorrow to be a better employee, parent, friend, husband or wife, daughter, sister or brother or even colleague. Basically, every good thing will happen in the future. This is an outright lie of course, you would think that I would not fall for this lie especially priding myself as being a critical thinker and “woke Christian”, but I realised that this is exactly how I sometimes live my life.
I know its redundant, but I have always found that truly living and being the best version of myself in the future is often more attractive than doing that in the now, for two reasons which I believe everyone who indulges in “future living” can relate to. Firstly, we have the goal chasers. Those who give everything today in search of accomplishing a specific goal or task which is all good and dandy, but they often sacrifice everything else at the altar of this goal, and worse never take time to enjoy the now they are living in. They are always working towards enjoying life in the the future. They will only be happy tomorrow or truly live when their life is perfect, perfect being when they finally accomplish something or get that thing they have been working for or something happens. Basically, they will only be happy once they graduate, get a promotion at work, buy a house in the suburbs, get married, have a child, finish a work goal etc. The irony is that the future goalposts of happiness or opportunities to truly live and be the authentic version of ourselves keeps on moving constantly with every new goal or accomplishment we set for ourselves, sometimes I find myself struggling to even keep up. Secondly, we have the procrastinators. Those who choose to procrastinate today hoping that they will have the chance to get their act together tomorrow. Ironically or maybe even tragic, but for a procrastinator tomorrow is always promised. An arrogant assumption I know but that is the lifelong philosophy of a procrastinator.
I find that I belong to these two groups depending on the season of life I find myself in. The first I often struggle with living in the now especially when a goal or dream I have been chasing has not yet been accomplished. I will basically sacrifice every other aspect of my life in accomplishing the goal or dream. I become that person who will only be happy or truly present in the now only when I enter into a new season I have been working towards or accomplish my goal, but not today. Today there is no time as the goal has not yet been accomplished. Thus, when chasing a target, I am never fully present in the moment, and as a result the “now” is a blur as it becomes simply a means to the end. Further, the high of accomplishing a goal is often short lived as once I conquer, I often find that the finish line has moved as a new goal or a new dream is birthed because that is how God made us. Instinctively we are complex and always evolve and accomplishments and milestones though wonderful never fully satisfy us and as a result I often find myself living my life in a cruel but self-induced never ending perpetual circle of by passing over my “nows” and eventually reaching some highs (an accomplished goal), which never really last, and so a new goal is chased and more “nows” are sacrificed for the thrill of a shiny new chase. So yes, the goal is accomplished eventually but the cost is too heavy: too many “nows” lost that will never ever be relived.
In other seasons, being a procrastinator comes a little too easy for me because I can sometimes be very self-deprecating especially when I feel inadequate or struggling in the now or even when my dreams seem impossible in the now, it just always seems easier to aspire to be happy or to truly live in the future when I will supposedly get my act together. Nevertheless, believing so much in the potential of future is not necessarily good especially without investing in the now. This is because it gives me an excuse of not trying as much as I know I should or for not being the best version of myself that I know I can be today. It actually makes it easier to not be fully present in the now; it excuses failure or not giving it my best because I always feel I will do better tomorrow. As a result, procrastinator end up wasting today. What is often forgotten is that the future is made today, and so if you do not grab the opportunities handed to you today then it means that we are headed to a future with lots of regret. To truly live in the now means being fully present in the now. It means taking all opportunities at hand, making time for those who matter to you, it means showing up as the best version of yourself and being seen, it is loving yourself as you are now even though you have a long way to go before you are that illusive future “best version of yourself”. It is taking time to honour and acknowledge all the gifts that God has blessed you with in the now and not focusing all your energy on what you do not have.
The irony of all the above whether you belong to the first group or the second group of people who live in the future, we spend most of our time living in the “now”. So, failing to master how to be fully present in the now is basically living a wasteful life. I know that the “now” is not always the most attractive because this is where we find ourselves in the mess, the middle, it is often down in the trenches, it is where we build or rebuild in the tears, where we sacrifice, it is uncomfortable, it is living in potential and in waiting, and where life often seems mundane and ordinary. However, what if we have been lied to about this future living, what if we can truly find joy and purpose by truly being present and embracing the “now”. I mean since we spend most of our lives in the “now” doesn’t it make sense to truly be present and be the best version of ourselves. All what this future living does is take joy away from the now and prevents us from truly living today and enjoying the opportunities, blessings and people in our lives now. Worse, tomorrow is not promised to anyone, so living your life today based on a future that has not even been promised is futile and redundant. The truth is that “now” is the most important time of our lives because it not only defines who we are truly are and how we lived, but it is the gift that we actually have in our hands today.