Shirley
To be perfect according to the Cambridge dictionary means to be complete and correct in every way, of the best possible type or without fault. While the oxford dictionary defines perfect as having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.
For over 30 years of my life I have been a slave to what I like to call the “perfectionist disease”, but today it stops! Today I reclaim my life and accept God’s grace.
Ever since I can remember I have always thought that I had to be perfect in order to deserve acceptance or love from others, or even anything good in life. Thus, for most of my life I have lived by the flawed philosophy that you had to be perfect or do things perfectly, and if you could not to at least learn the art of playing perfect or creating the illusion of perfect in public. Indeed, I have strived to be perfect at least on the outside for most of my life. However, while this has come with benefits of being self-driven to be excellent, this self-imposed standard has also cost me dearly. It has made my life unbearable, burdensome, and intolerable. So much so, that simply resting for me was an illusion. Rest was unattainable because I was often always berating myself for not being perfect from my last attempt and strategizing on how I was going to be perfect the next time. There was never any room for proper rest because if I did not strategize and act, then people would realise how imperfect and undeserving I really was. Further, the perfectionist disease also leads to another debilitating habit: procrastination. So when I would find something that I believed I could be perfect in or feign perfection, I would quickly jump on it, but in areas where I felt like I was inadequate or maybe I could not attain my illusive perfectionist standards, I would run in the opposite direction and engage in extreme procrastination. This would be followed by looking for an escape in highs that include everything from food or television or social media. All in my attempt to avoid doing things that made me feel ill-equipped or inadequate. Yet ironically the cure of perfectionist disease is to simply start, to just simply do something and to trust God to do the rest. Yes, to do what I can and to trust God to fill in the gaps where we feel most inadequate.
Ironically, although to be perfect was always the goal, the moments that I actually attained perfection are countable. They were fleeting moments that passed by faster than I could say the word perfect, and tragically nullified all the effort I had put in. So, you can imagine the self-loathing that often followed with my inability to be perfect. Yes, I have been so cruel and unforgiving to myself. I often felt like I was on a treadmill that never stopped or like a lab rat that was going around a hamster wheel that never stopped; like I was putting in so much effort but never really reaching my destination. Sadly, despite this I kept chasing perfect like it would somehow validate me and make me worthy, yet deep down I realise now that I have always known it was unattainable. Indeed, it’s as if I was intentionally setting myself up not to just fail, but to fail flat on my face, very tragic but true!
Looking back, I now realise that the perfectionist disease affected literally every area of my life, everything from my work, to the view of myself, to the way I view relationships, to even my relationship with God. In fact, the first time I gave my life to Christ I was nine. It was also at the age of 9 that I have my first vivid memory of shame and helpless inadequacy because I was trying to be a good perfect little girl, but I kept failing. Even at this age the script in my mind was that I could not just be loved by God, that I needed to somehow to earn it. I wanted so badly to be saved because I wanted to go to heaven, but I believed that I needed to be a perfect little girl first. I tried so hard to be perfect, but I kept failing, and with every fail I remember this feeling of hopelessness and for the first time being aware of how bad and inadequate I was. I remember the weight of shame pounding down on me. I kept having this horrible feeling in my soul that maybe something was horribly wrong with me. That I would never be loved by God because I could not be perfect no matter how bad I wanted to or even tried. I never knew that I had carried this around with me until recently.
The next time I encountered God was in 2003, a year after my mother died, and though He gave me grace and healed my heart, I did not understand what He had done for me, and so like any child who does not know the value of what she had I threw it by the wayside. Grace for me made no sense. I did not understand how I was supposed to receive something that I had not perfectly earned. How would I receive forgiveness yet I was not perfect? In 2016 God found me again in a pit of self-loathing. I was exhausted from striving and never attaining and for the first time in my life I understood what grace was. When He found me, I was wounded and a slave to so many addictions, and he broke the chains. I did nothing, he came and rescued me, I did not earn anything. I did not lift a finger, I simply cried out and He heard and rescued me. I believed then I was free from everything, however, the root of everything was never dealt with just the symptoms, and that is the beauty of walking with Christ, you never really fully arrive, you are always learning and growing. Now in 2020, I am confronted with the perfectionist disease and I stand here in shock as I look back on my life with new eyes, and for the first time connect the dots, and clearly see the rampage and wastage it has had on my life and mourn the precious time that I can never recover.
This year I have been praying for God to help me grow as I was sick and tired of going around the same mountain and facing the same devils and never winning any victory. I was tired of my need to be perfect; the burden had become utterly unbearable. God opened my eyes and showed me that the culprit behind my need to be perfect was in fact my fear of being rejected. The fear that if everyone found out that I was normal, maybe even flawed that they would reject me. It was a shocking revelation for me, because I have always prided myself in being a confident girl. In fact, I have always viewed those who looked for affirmation from others as weak, never really seeing that I was in that same boat like everyone else that it was just hidden behind other layers. This new realisation has left me perplexed, but it has also set me free. I particularly get encouraged when I read about the different bible characters because they were utterly and completely flawed and imperfect yet God chose them. He chose to collaborate with everyone from Abraham, to Jonah, to David, to the Samaritan lady, to the tax collector, to Mary Magdalene, to Jacob, to Paul etc. Indeed, God seems to be drawn to imperfections. He does not require perfect from us, He just requires a spirit that will completely submit to Him, a spirit that will completely trust in Him.
Therefore, I am okay with being imperfect, I am okay with trusting God and accepting his grace. So, I refuse to feel shame because I am not perfect, I am no longer a slave of this. Nevertheless, I am still in recovery, I am still in withdrawal and sometimes even when I know better, I forget, so I have to be intentional in constantly reminding myself to stop it whenever my perfectionist disease tries to rear its ugly head!
God’s unconditional love
Today know that you are not a mistake, that you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14), that God knew you while you were in your mother’s womb and set you apart (Jeremiah 1: 5). You do not have to perform to be loved by God. God loves us despite the fact that we are not perfect, His love is unfailing and undeserved. Actually, no one is perfect – apart from Jesus. But God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son to die for us (John 3:16). Therefore, God must love imperfect people. In fact, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins (1 John 4:10). We can always find shelter in the love of God (Psalm 36:7). Nothing can separate us from the love of God, not even our imperfections. Indeed, I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below–indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39). Importantly, we cannot earn God’s love, in fact, by grace we have been saved through faith. And this is not our own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast (Ephesians 2:8-9).For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin (Hebrews 4: 15). God’s love not only endures forever (Psalm 136:2-3), but it is unfailing (Psalm 109:26). When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up (psalms 27:10). The Lord will be with me wherever I go (Joshua 1: 9); He is always with me watching over me (Genesis 28:15). I will never be an orphan because my God will never leave me (John 14:18), nor forsake me (Joshua 1:5). In fact, He will not leave me until He has done what He promised me (Genesis 28:15). The lord will never forsake me; He will not abandon His heritage (Psalms 94:14).