Shirley
The power of grieving
Grieving means: the feeling of great sorrow, sadness or distress, especially that is caused by the death of someone or sorrowful through loss or deprivation.
The power of grieving
Grieving means: the feeling of great sorrow, sadness or distress, especially that is caused by the death of someone or sorrowful through loss or deprivation.
Most definitions of grieving are attached to death and rightly so, but I have come to learn through my own experiences that grieving is more common and prevalent than we may think. It attaches itself onto our lives when we experience any form of loss in whatever form or shape it comes in. Of course, it is important to acknowledge that the extent and impact of grieving is often different and dependent on the type of loss we may be experiencing in the moment.
Beyond grieving the death of a loved one, we also grieve rejection, disappointment, betrayal, poverty, infidelity, the end or change of a friendship; divorce or separation; getting older; the loss of our youthfulness, the naivety, innocence and hopefulness of youth when we find ourselves older and unable or struggling to dream; our pre-pregnancy body when our body is marked by the precious miracle and gift of child birth or old age. We grieve when a loved one lets us down because they did not show up like we expected; the freedom of singleness when we find ourselves constricted by the alter promises we made to our spouse; the joy of having a partner when we find ourselves single; the seasonal and constantly changing stages of a relationship when all we want is for things to remain constant. We grieve lost opportunity; not been chosen; sickness, infertility, loss of a job or opportunity, and also grieve the demotion from a higher social class to a lower one. We grieve our carefree and childless years when we find ourselves boggled down or overwhelmed with parenthood, but also grieve when children get older and become independent to the point of not needing us. Also, in order to be healthy adults, for some of us we must grief the “unideal childhood” we had or the childhood we believe was owed to us but that we did not get. We also grief as adults’ when life dares to go in a different direction than the plan we had hoped for or when we find that we are not as far as we hoped we would be; or when we realise that not all our dreams will come true; or even when our prayers are not answered in the time and manner we hoped for. And the list goes on and on because loss can come in so many different shapes and forms.
My first memory of grieving was at the age of 14 when I sat for one of the most important exams in Kenya. Important because it would not only determine if I would proceed to my dream national high school, but my path to university, and despite working harder than I have ever worked, and sacrificing literally everything, I failed to get the result that I had hoped for and did not get called to the school of my dreams. Further, regardless of my parents trying to encourage me, I remember walking around with a great sense of sorrow and even struggling with my sleep. Back then I could not articulate what I was feeling or even what to do with it, but now when I look back, I realise that whether I was aware of it or not my soul was in distress, I was grieving.
My second memory was the death of my mother and this was one of the hardest losses to process. Here again despite the support of my wonderful father and family, I often found myself drowning in sorrow and not understanding it. In fact, my response was working very hard not to acknowledge it, like it was it was a fly buzzing around my face that I need to swat or ignore in order to have peace. The best way I can explain my experience is that: grieving was happening to me; I was the unwilling or even unconscious carrier of it. As a result of my lack of intentional participation or even proper recognition or awareness that I needed to fully participate, I was simply the unfortunate consumer of its resulting negative fruits. It was like I was there, but I was a passenger in my own body experiencing great sorrow and living in its effects but never fully been truly conscious of it, and worse never knowing what to do with it or that I could even do something. An oxymoron! It was in this season that for the first time in my life I learnt about dysfunctional coping mechanism that promised relief or refuge for all things that I was feeling, but that I did not understand. Things, some even good things, that delivered instant tangible but very temporary relief that did not last or lead to true healing just lead to an open door that had the potential to create future addictions. Nonetheless, I am gratefully that it was also in this season that I met the God of my mother. Now when I look back on my life I now know without a doubt that I would not have made it through to the other side healed if God had not only covered me, sat with me, walked with me, and been extremely gentle with me. It was my first introduction to the God of my sorrow, the God who offers comfort in times of loss, pain or distress. This God we never hear about as much as we should because maybe He does not sound sexy. We only hear about the God who miraculously saves us and comes just on time so we do not have to experience any loss, but I came face to face with the God who gets down and dirty with you in your loss. The God who grieves not alongside you or far from you, but with you.
Since then, I have experienced various kinds of losses and what I have come to learn is that grieving is one of those sneaky things which will show up in your life and impact it whether you are aware of it and acknowledge it or not, and when left to roam free unabetted the impact is often negative. Nonetheless identifying grief beyond the death of a loved one is not always easy because we have never been taught to look out for it, it is even barely acknowledged. Hence, we must be alert and intentional as we go through this life we live.
Secondly, it is not always easy to acknowledge loss or that we even need to heal from it. From my own personal experience when I go through loss it never registers as fast as I would like it to that grieving will be happening soon. I am learning that I must be intentional about acknowledging the process of grieving as being part and parcel of life’s constant losses, whatever that may be for me in my current season, and allowing the grieving process, allowing myself to feel the sorrow and sadness, to cry, if necessary, and acknowledge that I am in pain. The thing about grieving is that even if you fail to acknowledge it, it will still impact our lives and the effects can be insurmountable. If it hurt, it hurt! If it broke you, then it broke you! It is only in acknowledging grief that it can be brought to the light and this is where healing can begin. If left unacknowledged the result is that grieving then happens to us, and this means that it operates like a skilful puppeteer and takes full control of us, the puppet, and does pretty much what it wants with us unrestrained. That is what unacknowledged grief does in the background of our lives. When we try to snuff it out and hide it in the background its fruits are still seen in the front, its negative impacts experienced by us and sometimes it’s so destructive that it not only impacts us but we hurt the ones we love most. Yes, unacknowledged grief is like a ticking time bomb because whether we like it or not it must find full expression and ignoring it only gives it free reign and full access to destroy us undisturbed. That is why it is important to shine the light on it so you do not become an unintentional and unaware victim of it.
Further, when it comes to life’s many losses, I am learning that while I may have no control over when the grieving will start or in what way or form it will show up in or how long it will take, I have a say in how I will grieve. Hence, once there is acceptance of the grieving that comes with loss, the next step is to be intentional about allowing all the emotions attached to the process to find full expression without interruptions no matter how uncomfortable. To sit in it! However, I like most people find it very uncomfortable to allow myself to experience the emotions that come with grieving that include: pain, sorrow, shame, disappointment, discouragement, bitterness, suffering, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, helplessness etc Nonetheless, I am learning to sit in the discomfort of these emotions because it is a necessary step to healing. Importantly, to sit here but not to camp here for life!
Lastly, I have learnt that when I am grieving to avoid looking for temporary relief or trying to fix it on my own, and to instead quickly take it to God. I take all my sorrow, my disappointment, my anger, anxiety, pain, bitterness etc that is a result of loss and I lay it at His feet etc. I do this over and over again, and I allow God to walk with me in it because I have learnt that healing without God is possible but it is difficult, and importantly it is not complete. It is not complete because it offers no hope. It is only when my grieving is attached to God that I have hope. I have hope that He is closest to me (Mathew 5: 4; Psalm 34:18). I have hope that I will see my loved one again (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18; Revelation 21:4; 1 Thessalonians 4:17, John 14:1-3). I have hope that God will restore (1 Peter 5:10, Job 42:10, Joel 2:25-26, Acts 3:19-21, Zechariah 9:12, Amos 9:14). I have hope that somehow it will work out for my good (Romans 8:28).
Pics: Sandy Millar on unsplash.com