Shirley
THE WONDROUS GIFT OF DUALITY
Collinsdictionary.com defines a dualityas a situation in which two opposite ideas exist at the same time.
Merriam-webster.com defines duality as the quality or state of having two different or opposite parts or elements
Cambridge dictionary. com describes duality as the state of combining two different things
A few weeks before I turned 18, 3rd February 2002, I buried my mother. A few days after I found myself outraged and flabbergasted by the fact that life dared to move on. How dare life, how dare it move on! The sun still rose early in the morning, the birds continued to chip away, laughter to my utter astonishment was not banished to the realms of the unknown, and in fact still existed in the corner of my universe and sometimes to my utter shock emanated from me, and on top of that everyone else continued with their life. They got up and went to work and school as if one of the most traumatic moments of my life had not happened. Basically, life did not stop because my life felt like it had stopped. In actual fact, it continued on its very merry way. I remember being angry and baffled and wishing that I had a switch that could close off life so that everything could come to a standstill even if it was just for a while. I existed in a moment of tension. Although my life felt like it had stopped both realistically and figuratively speaking, I also existed in this realm where life continued. The duality of everything was just too much and overwhelming for me because I did not understand it or even know why this thing, the duality of a moment, which I hated about my life in that moment of grief and sorrow, was so very much important. I did not understand that something greater was at play, something more opulent, jarring, life changing or and life altering was at play. It was more than I could ever understand at the age of 18.
Forward over twenty years from that moment and again I came face to face with this very duality of life. It all begun about three years ago when I found myself in what I will refer to as a valley season (this is Christian speak or buzzword or “christianese” for a dark season that includes everything from loss, sickness, infertility, death, lack, or a season of waiting etc, basically any “unideal” situation whatever that may look like in your life). I was close to turning 40, and I felt like an utter failure because I had not attained the many milestones (both professionally and personally) that society had so nicely crafted for someone of my age. Actually, I felt like I was completely off the mark when it came to meeting the ideals for someone in my age group, at least in my opinion. And unfortunately, I decided to focus on that lack with complete and utter dedication to the point of destruction.
So, as you can imagine I spent a good chunk of the two-years focusing and obsessing on nothing else but this valley that I had found myself in that I did not want or like. My days were spent sleepless night plotting and strategizing attempting to escape it, to numbing it, climb at it, crawl on it, fighting it, negotiating with it, to attempting to outsmart it, to praying in hopes of “miracling” my way out of it (a word I created for Christians who hope for miracles because they do not want to serve the purpose for the season, they find themselves in), and to my utter shock, absolutely nothing happened or even changed. So, you can imagine my predicament when my valley season would not end despite using all the weapons I had at my disposal. When finally, I reached my end and the only option was to seek the father in heaven in surrender, I finally understood, it came to me: I was exactly where I needed to be! Imagine my shock and confusion.
In all my struggling not once did it occur to me that just maybe I was in the right place at the right time; that I was exactly where I needed to be no matter how unideal, uncomfortable or unfair I felt it was. Yes, imagine such a thing, that there are seasons that you cannot prepare for, that you cannot outsmart or out pray but seasons that we must all pass through as part of the human experience. Seasons that we will all go through at some point or another in our lives; seasons which are uncomfortable, horrible, painful and gut wrenching, and the worst part being that sometimes these seasons may even dare to tarry. Yes, seasons that we will all go through where you must sit in the valley and experience it, learn from it, heal from it and hold on to the hope that even roses can be birthed out of dark places. Imagine that!
This idea of seasons that you cannot run away from is often very perplexing and I assure you that it was the same for me personally and maybe a little worse for me specifically because I once belonged to the group of Christians who saw God as a gene or a fairy god mother or something similar thereof. That He existed specifically to always grant my wishes and to protect me from all hardship and pain. Basically, that being a Christian meant getting all my wishes granted and never having to experience any form of discomfort, and having automatic protection from all pain plus suffering. Therefore, meaning that if I was experiencing any of the above then maybe there was something wrong, I was doing or had done, or there was something I was not doing. That maybe even I was not believing big enough or was not giving or serving or fasting enough. So, example if you are trying to have a baby and find you are struggling, then it is because you used birth control or were promiscuous or had an abortion or better yet that you are cursed because of something someone in your family did and down the rabbit hole we go. It really is outrageous the things we conclude or come up with in order to fit certain unexplainable life events into tiny boxes that make sense for us, but are utter and complete lies. This line of thinking is more common than you know so much so that we see a glimpse of it in the bible in John 9:1-4 where Jesus meets a man who was blind by birth and the first thing the disciples do is to ask if the man was blind because he sinned or his parents sinned. This is because as human beings we are always looking for ways to explain things even when there are things that cannot be explained. I love how Jesus answers them, when he says:
“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4 As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5 While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” 6 After saying this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes. 7 “Go,” he told him, “Wash in the Pool of Siloam” (this word means “Sent”). So, the man went and washed, and came home seeing. (John 9: 3-6)
So, after fighting myself to the end and not seeing any results and still finding myself smack in the valley, I humbly returned to my father’s feet in search of answers. Seeking him led me to the realisation that sometimes life is wonderful and other times it is just hard and painful and there will be no reason for it, and nothing you could have done differently. It is just life happening in all it wondrous and wretched glory. The bible in fact puts it so eloquently in three verses. The first is in Genesis 8: 22 which says that as long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease. The second is Mathew 5: 45 where it says….. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. The third is in Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 where it provides:
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
I love how the verse above in the highlighted bold points as to the sovereignty and omnipotence of God and reminds us that even in a season where we experience pain, loss and discomfort God can still make it good. That no matter the season or what is happening in our lives, God promises to make everything beautiful in its time. He further reiterates this in Romans 8: 28 where he promises that: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Note it does not say some things, but all things. I do not know about you, but this gives me some comfort, it may not remove me from the valley but it is a reminder that even when I find myself in valley season it will be used for my good.
In line with the above God also specifically promises us that when we are broken hearted, then He is close (Psalm 34:18). Also, that when we are weak, then we are strongest because God’s power rests on us (2 Corinthians 12:9-11 and Isaiah 40:29-31). Further, the Lord promises that even when our lives may be falling apart before our very eyes that we have access to unexplainable peace (Philippians 4:7), and rest (Mathew 11:28-29). And the most outrageous for most people to believe is that even in sorrow we can still have joy (Psalm 126:5–6 and Romans 5:3-5) Hence, the promise is not that God will remove us from every valley, but that even when we are in a valley season, that firstly, God is closest, and beyond that we can have everything from peace, to rest, to joy even within that very miserable, painful and uncomfortable season. A duality. An oxymoron if you ask me!
So, this time unlike the season when my mother passed on where I ignored and even felt guilty for any duality that existed in the season of grief, this time I became absolutely obsessed with the concept. However, to some extent I struggled with the concept of duality because I have always had this misguided belief that you can only have one season, a good or a bad one but not both. Hence, if I was in a valley season then I was doomed in the valley and nothing good existed alongside it, and on the flip side a mountain top season meant that everything was working or seemed to be working perfectly. Hence, where pain, loss, disappointment or even dissatisfaction existed, nothing else could exist alongside it. So, this idea that I could find joy even as my life was falling apart was revolutionary to me and freeing in so many important ways. Being a Christian I had heard of this but never really understood it; I had known of it but never known the truth of it personally.
Recently, the importance of duality came full cycle when mydear friend lost her baby early this year. Her son had only lived for a few days and had spent his days in the ICU and so she had not even gotten to hold him in her hands while he was alive. I know…………
A few days after she buried her beautiful baby boy, we (two friends and I) visited her in her home. The goal when we made our way to visit was to offer her comfort. I remember being worried because I did not know what we would say or how we would offer her comfort and encouragement.
Interestingly enough, this visit turned out to be one of the most illuminating visits for me as a believer in Christ, and this moment in time will forever remain ingrained in my mind and heart. Here again I not only saw and recognised the duality but for the first time I understood it, I had a knowing of the key role it plays in the human experience. In this one moment in time, an afternoon in March of 2024, we experienced duality in all its wondrous glory. Here both hope and joy existed in the same moment as our sorrow and grief. My dear friend had the opportunity to talk to us of her gut-wrenching experience and her resulting grief, we listened and encouraged her to speak because there is power in letting sorrow out, in naming it for what it is and refusing to let it move uncontained and destructive by stuffing it down. Nevertheless, she also spoke of the good she had also experienced in the same sorrow. She spoke of her family and friends that had come together to grief with her. Friends and family who had travelled with her to her ancestral home on a whim. Friends and family who slept over to mourn with her and care for her. She spoke of seeing family she had not seen in a long time, and of singing hymns from her childhood in her mother tongue that she had not sang in forever, songs that had transported her to childhood and encouraged her broken heart. I do not know if she even realised how powerful her words were. She spoke of hope that she dared to cling onto despite how broken she was. Lastly, she spoke of God’s goodness even while she stood at the altar of her broken dreams. Dreams for her baby that were never realised. So moved and inspired were we by her hope that it inspired our hope. So much so that we also spoke of the hope that her pregnancy had represented for all three of us friends who are all currently crossing over into our forties and still hoping to one day have children. Her pregnancy meant and still means more to us even to date. It was a manifestation and a reminder of our dreams to become mothers one day. For a moment in time, we had lived vicariously through her pregnancy and it had been glorious to watch her take on the role with joy, effervescence and confidence. She is a mother. Yes, we caught a glimpse not just of her as a mother, but of what it would look like for all of us to be mothers and only because we saw it manifested through our dear friend. She had stirred our hopes and dreams a new. We will not forget the wondrous glimpse. We will not forget the manifestation! That is what her son did for us. His life may have been short but in our hearts, he will always represent a possibility, a dream of what is to come.
Additionally, that afternoon we ate childhood snacks and had a wonderful homemade meal cooked for us which we thoroughly enjoyed, and there we also felt the hand of God provide comfort in a way that I had not felt before. I know without a doubt that grief did not leave her home or her heart that day. This is because grief is this thing that roams around wildly, and just when you think you are finally up it forcefully brings you back down with it erratic and consistent intrusive waves that make it seem like it will never end, but in that one moment, a Saturday afternoon, we also felt joy. We come with heavy hearts, but we left light, and hopeful. Our grieving friend did that for us and I hope we were able to do the same for her in that one moment. What an oxymoron! I have never experienced anything like that ever in my life.
Because of my friend I finally understand duality. I understand the importance of the duality of life. It is a necessity. It is akin to air. It is necessary because it helps life to move along even in times of sorrow because it brings a glimmer of hope, but only if you allow it. In fact, allow me to say that God is the duality in a valley season. Looking for duality in the valley is to seek God. I now go out of my way to notice the duality of my life because I now realise that this duality is a gift, it is what saves me, and helps me when I am down or when I find myself in a season of loss or lack. When we fail to see and acknowledge the duality of a moment, we fail to see the presence of God. We fail to see that God is not just the God of the mountain top, but He is also the God of the valley season.
Interestingly enough, as Christians our faith is founded on this wondrous duality. In fact, one of the most monumental moments of duality especially for us Christians is the brutal death of Christ on the cross. Prior to being crucified Jesus Christ who was both God and man (Titus 2: 13-14 and Philippians 2: 6-8, John 10: 30 etc) knew what was to come, and understood the weight of His sacrifice. He was going to carry the sins of the world on the cross (1 Peter 2: 24) and have to endure separation from God as a result (Mark 15: 34). Death includes two dimensions—physical and spiritual, and the penalty for sin is death (Romans 6: 23). Physical death is the separation of the spirit from the body. Spiritual death is the separation of the spirit from God. Since Jesus was dying for our sin as our substitute, He was experiencing the agony of separation from His Father. It was the agony of hell( https://reformedbaptistblog.com/2016/03/18/mark-1533-34-jesus-was-not-separated-from-the-father-on-the-cross-teaching-outline/). Knowing this full well Jesus was in distress; He was sorrowful and troubled to the point where He was sweating blood (Luke 22:40–46, Mathew 26:37-38, Mark 14 -33-35). So much so that He even asked God that if it was possible to remove the cup from Him, but nevertheless if not, He would do the will of God (Luke 22:40-43, Mathew 26: 39-43, Mark 14:35-41). Further, His disciples who were supposed to stand with Him and encourage Him, His inner sanctum, were so discouraged that they could not even master the strength to pray. In fact, they slept because they were exhausted in sorrow. (Luke 22:45–46). Yet this one act, His gruesome death on the cross, is the reason that those who accept Christ as our saviour are free. In His death the power of sin over our lives was broken. The chain that binds us to the rules and burdens of this world were broken. Indeed, in 1 peter 2: 24 says that: He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”
Additionally, it is because of His death that we have the Holy Spirit (John 16-26). It is because of this one act that we have direct access to God; the curtain in the temple was torn granting all believers direct access to God (Mathew 27: 51, Mark 15: 38; Luke 23: 45). Also, his death is the reason we can claim all the promises in the bible that include everything from joy, forgiveness, peace, healing, strength, abundance etc.
Yes, you may be in a difficult season, I urge you take it to the Lord, acknowledge it, accept it, sit in it for a little while, but do not ruminate in it and do not allow it to be the only thing you focus on. I know it is the most natural thing to do, to focus on the valley even when we cannot change it, but we must be intentional not to focus on it and to make our whole existence about the valley. Nothing good comes out of focusing on the valley, in fact it raptures the wound that is already in existence and can be a pathway to depression. Focusing on things that we cannot change, things that hurt, has a way of living a chain of destruction and hopelessness in its path. Instead, be duality exists as a respite. It is a bridge. It helps to make the valley season bearable even if just for a little while. It gives as a way to start healing even if it just in our spirit even when it feels impossible to so in the physical. We must be intentional to look for the bridge that God has given us through duality (in your life and through the word of God and holding on to the promises) even when you do not feel like it because one day you will wake up, and find yourself on the other side healed, notably, you will not forget what you have been through, but you will also remember the beauty that existed alongside that very painful season.
The bible is very adamant about us intentionally choosing to think good thoughts. The implication being that thinking good things is not always automatic, and if you have lived long enough you realise that it is our human nature to focus on the negatives (the loses, pain and things that make as anxious). Indeed, in recognition of this human flaw it provides in Philippians 4: 8: Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Further, we need to know that no matter where we may find ourselves in today, we are never alone and that is the duality that we as Christians can hold onto. In Psalm 46: 1 it saysthat:God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. This tells me that it does not matter how I feel or even what I am going through, I am never alone because God is always there with me. He is ever present. The use of the word ever present is a powerful declaration of God’s presence. In my walk with God, I have come to learn that God is very intentional about His words. Nothing is a mistake, every word and phrase used within the pages of the bible are deliberate and enriching. Importantly, Cambridge disctionary.com defines ever present as continuous and permanent, unrelentingly. In addition, Dictionary.com defines ever-present as always present, always there, ubiquitous, omnipresent. Finally, Collin dictionary.com defines ever present as pervasive, omnipresent, all-over, everywhere and universal. I do not know about you, but these words give me great comfort in a way that I cannot even fully articulate. Knowing that as I sit in a corner overwhelmed, bitter or filled with disappointment, tired of waiting, struggling with loss, that my God is right there with me. He is a balm to my soul.
Further, we see this theme of duality over and over with characters in the bible. My favourite story is the story in Daniel 3 where see Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego thrown into the blazing furnace, and note that God did not save the three friends been thrown in the fire, but He was there with them. So much so that when they were removed untouched by the fire, they did not even smell like the fire they had been thrown into. This is a promise to us that yes, we will find ourselves sometimes in valley seasons that seem like we are in a fire, but God will always be there and when we leave, we will not only be healed but we will not smell like what we have been through. I also love Romans 8:28 which says: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose. That everything, works out for our good. God does not say “some somethings”, He says everything works out for our good. It does not matter what we have gone through, what we have lost, where we come from, who we came from, the experiences we have had, the things we have done or that have been done to us. The Lord makes us a promise that He will make all things work out for our good. It is not our job to worry how it will all work out; we must simply trust God.
Now for the first time I am able to see my valley season for what it was. My valley season is uncomfortable, it is painful, difficult, humiliating, hard and seems like it will never end, but it is also good. Imagine that! Even as I write this I am still here and when I look back on the last three years of my life, I would not change a thing because of what I have learnt about myself, others and my God; things I would never had learnt while sitting on a mountain top. I have a new appreciation for the blessings in my life. Yes, blessings that always existed but I had previously been unable to see because I was so focused on the valley and trying to get out of it that I could not recognise the duality of the season. I now not only know myself in a way I would never have known, but most importantly I know God in a way that I would never have known Him. I have seen His face, I have seen His heart, I have experienced His friendship and covering. I know His love; I have experienced it and have been immersed in it right here in this valley. My heart is full, I am overflowing in a way I never thought possible. I feel awake for the first time in a long time. I feel reborn like a kid with a new set of toys.
I have a new lens with which to see life. A lens given to me by God. Yes, my eyes are now finally open!
picture by Alana Jordan from pixbay