Shirley
The Cambridge dictionary defines expectations as: the feelings of expecting something to happen. Similarly, the Collins dictionary defines expectations as: strong hopes or beliefs that something will happen or that you will get something that you want.
Hence, when you have expectations of others, it basically means you have the belief or strong feeling that someone will do something for you or do something the way you want them to do. In my book, expectations are the scripts we write in our head about what people owe us or are required to do for us both emotionally or physically. Basically, it is you writing down a script in your mind about what you want from someone or how you want someone to behave in response to the role you play in their life (parent/ sibling/ friend/ spouse/ employer etc) or what you have already done for them, or what you are currently doing for them. So, if you really think about it the expectations that you have of people are not something that emanates from another person, but it is something internal that emanates from you; it is you imposing your wants, your needs and hopes onto another person. So, it is not too farfetched to define the expectations we have of others as being all about us and what we need or want from the person we have imposed those expectations on, however, this is not necessarily a bad thing. It is healthy to have realistic expectations of people we are in a relationship with because expectations help us to set standards and boundaries that enable us to have healthy relationships.
Interestingly enough, even though we have expectation of others we often never even bother to articulate these expectations to them. It really is not only unfair, but tragic to expect things from someone who does not even know that you have these expectations of them. Granted, there are times when you give to someone what you yourself desire and they reciprocate accordingly, but other times you may be giving someone something you need and value, but what the other person does not need or even value, and so they never reciprocate in the manner you want. Then there are times we believe that it is automatic that if you give of yourself in a certain way then it is your right to expect the exact same thing in return. Another, is when you expect from someone else something that a different person from your past or childhood did or gave to you. Example, if your parent or sibling or an ex did certain things to show you love, you then use this as the representation of love, and then go on to expect the same exact thing from your spouse or girlfriend/ boyfriend who does not know anything about your expectations based from your past experiences. Further, there are other times we go as far as expecting of others what even we are not willing to give. Lastly, there are timesyou expect people to give you something out of their flesh yet you gave to them out of the grace extended to you by the power of God in your life. Basically, expectations are a minefield riddled with multiple layers of complexities. Hence, if you live long enough you quickly come to realise that people will often fail to meet your expectations both intentionally and unintentionally. Of course, there are times they will meet your expectations, but other times, they will fail because they are human. Also, quite humbling is the fact that we will also fail to meet the expectations of others both intentionally and unintentionally.
So, I urge you today instead of sitting on your high horse and cancelling people out of your life or burning with anger because someone failed to meet your expectations, extend some grace to them and release them from your expectations. Extend some grace to that friend or sibling or spouse or even parent you expected to be there for you in a certain way, but they failed you. Furthermore, we us Christians are a by-product of grace, can you imagine the many times in our walk that we fail to meet the expectations that God has for our lives and yet He is always full of love and kindness, and grace towards us. Still, that does not mean that when people fail to meet our expectations it does not hurt. It does hurt very much so, and often times it’s never even really about you, it is about them (their own personal insecurities or wounds, or maybe there are also overwhelmed or busy with their own lives or problems), and other times it’s about you setting expectations you never ever communicated, or setting expectations for others which even you are unable to meet. Therefore, releasing people from your expectations requires an abundance of grace. Grace that only God can give us, and that comes from spending time in His presence. It is only out of His abundance that we can extend grace to others when they fail us. You cannot extend grace to others out of your flesh. Additionally, it is also this grace that will guide you on when it is necessary to give grace only, or when it is important to give grace and also hold someone accountable for their actions, and when it is may be necessary to extend grace, but love someone from a distance. This “release people from your expectation/ hold them accountable” scale is a hard one to balance especially when you are operating in the flesh. The only person who can help you balance this scale is the Holy Spirit.
Thus, please release people form your expectations as you lean on God’s grace.
Bible readings
Romans 11:6
But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise, grace would no longer be grace.
Mathew 5: 7
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
James 2:13
For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.
Luke 17: 3-4
Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
Ephesians 3: 17-19
So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Luke 6: 37
“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;
Colossians 3: 12-13
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
Luke 6:36
Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.
Mathew 18: 21-22
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
Colossians 3:13
Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
2 Timothy 2:1
You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus.
Ephesians 4:32
Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
2 Peter 3: 9
The Lord is not slow to fulfil his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.
James 2:13
For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.
Colossians 3: 12
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,
Hebrews 4: 16
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Luke 6: 36
Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.
Colossians 3:13
Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
2 Timothy 2: 1
You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus,
Hebrews 12: 15
See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.