I have been living a lie
This life has a way of draining you, of sucking out everything that makes you stand out, all those things that make you special. Basically, you are taught from a very early age that you are not allowed to be different. So, you fit in just to get by, you fit in because it is comfortable, and only then does everyone quickly accept you because you do not upset the apple cart. In fact, the message you get from the moment you get into this world and first join social settings like school, church or work, is that being different is frowned upon and unacceptable because there is only one way to be. This is because there are “supposedly” rules that are set in stone (nobody knows by who), rules on how one is supposed to be and do things. Therefore, by the time the world is done with you, you can find yourself in your thirties or even forties and you are not sure who you are anymore. Every quirk, everything that is different, everything that made you outrageously and beautifully stand out, every God given out- of- this- world childhood dream, is dead, buried and sometimes even forgotten.
As I reflect on my life at the beginning of 2020, I do not recognise the person starring back at me through the mirror. I am shocked to realise that I have sold myself out on the altar of acceptance. I have sold out the authentic version of me for the substitute me, all in order to sit at the high table of being “accepted”. I willingly entered into an agreement with the world that being the God created version of myself was not practical, acceptable, and maybe even too much for others to handle. As a result, I have put on so many masks in the name of fitting in or my attempt not to stand out too loudly lest I am rejected. In fact, the best way to describe myself is that I am a shell of what I once was. Thus, the soul within me is not at rest, it has been wrestling with this shell of a person I have become. I am not at peace with my inner man because what is on the inside is not a reflection of what is on the outside. I have become this person who is not living but simply existing day to day. I am a fraud, a replica but not the original. I have become that person whose joy comes from watching other people living their life.
Yes, I have willingly allowed the world to tear me down inch by inch to the point where I am not sure whether the memories of who I was before I allowed the world to dilute and destroy me are just wishful thinking or something that I once was. I find myself unsure of how to even rebuild. Further, I do not even know who I am anymore. When did I sell out? When did I take everything that God made me to be, and decide that it was not fit for me, not worthy, or too much for others? Yes, I have been going through the motions of my life, slowly supressing the real me to get by, but mark my words, it ends today. I am tired!
To reverse from this counterfeit version of myself to the real me, I have made the decision today to draw near to my God. He is the one who knows what the truest and most authentic version of myself is. He is the one gave me my childhood dreams. He is the one who can remind me and rebuild me. Therefore, these days my daily prayer is for God to remind me who I am. To restore every rich layer of who I am; everything that the world thought it could take away from me.
You Lord knew me in my mother’s womb, no you knew me even before I was even formed. You Lord know every beautiful, individual detail about me, even things about myself that I may have forgotten. Remind oh Lord that I may occupy my territory. That I may rule my territory for the Kingdom of God. Remind me who I am Holy Spirit, do not let me settle for what I am not or may be. I am tired of living a lie. I will not let go of my truest version. I will rise from the slumber of a fake and inauthentic existence and I will roar and shine every part of me that no one really understood but God. I will shine in all my many different colours. I refuse to hide, nevertheless, if I shine too brightly or too loudly for you then that is too bad. I must be true to myself; I must be every rich and versatile layer that God made me to be. Search me Holy Spirit and find me, give me the strength to release myself to be more. Teach me to be okay with who I am. I refuse to cheat the world out of the true authentic me. This second act of my life must be different. I will not keep taking or chipping myself down in order to accommodate people, instead let the world accommodate me in my truest form.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
4 The word of the Lord came to me, saying,
5 “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
6 “Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”
7 But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.
9 Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”